Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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