Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
