If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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