Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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