My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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