You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
