She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
