i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
