How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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