News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
