Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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