Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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