worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
