My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize