alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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