3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
