I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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