what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
