i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
