You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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