Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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