I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
