I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
