why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
