tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
