My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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