Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
