yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i think i have two assholes
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
