Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
