Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
