Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
