idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize