Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
