Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
