my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
