I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
