I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My vagina is very pro this idea
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
