Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
