So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
