eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
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