I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize