I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
