She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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