Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
it's like iHOP with fire
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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