Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
