take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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