I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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