all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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