I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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