at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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