Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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