I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
