just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
