the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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