a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
