Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
