I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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