two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
